Movie Review – Starcrash

1978 Some Italian company that should be ashamed of themselves

Crap Alert

StarcrashFrom a far off nation somewhere near France…A movie that is one big steaming pile!

One of the less desirable after effects of the success of Star Wars in 1977 is that every movie studio felt the need to try and make their very own Star Wars not taking into account that it’s very hard to recreate success and most of the time it ends in total failure or at the very least sub par entertainment. With Starcrash it was indeed total failure on a grand and epic scale.

Starcrash concerns the adventures of a gorgeous babe name Stella who wears nice revealing clothing and acts like a complete and utter dolt just like the rest of the characters. Stella is a bit of a lawbreaker along with her totally odd companion Akton. Akton is a mixture of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Chewbacca, and one of those hyperactive over caffeinated annoying kids you see at the mall whose parents are totally oblivious to the fact their kid is psychotic.  Stella and Akton get caught up in a battle for control of the universe between the forces of good and evil, the typical story told in a very atypical and bizarre way.

Starcrash was written and directed by Italian bad movie god Luigi Cozzi, a man who makes Uwe Boll look like a fairly competent director in comparison. Starring the beautiful Caroline Munro, the not so beautiful Marjoe Gortner, and David Hasselhoff. Also featuring Christopher Plummer as the Emperor, a role he would probably like to forget and would like everyone else to forget as well (my apologies Mr. Plummer). With special effects to dazzle (or hurt) the eyes and music by legendary composer John Barry, who was clearly slumming it, Starcrash is a movie that needs to be seen to be believed. I recommend having a couple drinks to anyone attempting to watch this masterpiece of cinematic crud.

Aboard the spacecraft Murray Leinster?

Aboard the spacecraft Murray Leinster?

Peewee

Peewee Herman and some other guy approach the…snicker…haunted stars…

Lava Lamp

…they are attacked by a lava lamp.

Stella

Meanwhile Stella the cutie…

Obi Airhead

…and Akton the spaced out guy are subdued by the space police.

Judge Judy

Judge Judy sentences them to prison.

CP

But the emperor needs their help to find his son…

Hoff

…the Hoff!

Masked Hoff

The Hoff has an Energy Shield Mask. Wow!

The good:

Caroline Munro has a nice bod (Circa 1978).

Nice Outfit

Nice outfit Stella!

The not so good:

Leia

No villain should have a Princess Leia hairstyle.

Metal Bitch

This just makes me appreciate Ray Harryhausen even more.

Dorky Things

This too!

Bug Ship

Han Solo was so jealous when he first saw this ship.

Haunted Star Border

This ship came equipped with seats made of rich Corinthian leather.

Random thoughts and observations:

Barry

John Barry? What the hell was he doing anywhere near this movie?

Colorful

This movie takes place in a more colorful galaxy than that other galaxy far far away.

SD ripoff

The opening features a Star Wars style rip off flyover that lacks all of the epic coolness that Star Wars had.

Pizza

The special effect are funny. Here’s the Millennium Pizza in hyperspace.

Psycho Man

Akton is hilarious, at times a wise and powerful Jedi type (with a light sword no less) and at times a total psycho yelling and screaming while looking totally bonkers.

Torpedo II

During the end battle torpedoes are fired at the villains hand shaped spacecraft.

Torpedo

They crash through the windows causing no decompression.

Torpedo Men

A door pops open and two soldiers start firing at the bad guys. Note the complete lack of any breathing apparatus.

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